Last night’s episode of Scandal featured a tawdry sham marriage between two men. Personally, I was moved, because I want a world where gay people can abuse marriage as well as straight people do. That said, I hope Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy wasn’t watching.
On to the show.
1. What kind high class call boy doesn’t know how to be discrete?
Scandal opened with the revelation that Michael, who I completely forgot was alive, was out in those D.C. streets trying to get chose. Of course, for a hooker, this is a part of his business model; however, if you recall (and if you don’t, I don’t blame you as I forgot, too), Cyrus and Michael made a little deal in which they pretended to be crazy in love to save Cyrus’ job. That means Michael is supposed to stay his ass at home and not be out at bars throwing it at whoever will take and/or receive it.
Now, if you’re a high class escort used to messing with D.C.’s elite, since when do you not know how to get caught? Riddle me that, Batman. Actually, riddle me that, Robin. That’s probably a better question for him.
2. Isn’t it nice to see Olivia and Mellie discuss Mellie’s career as opposed to slinging dirt at each other over Fitz being a THOT?
I was touched. I mean, I’ve enjoyed Mellie reading the hell out of Liv, but it was nice to see those two talk about work.
3. Do you feel bad for Cyrus’ first wife?
That poor woman saved herself for marriage only to give it up to a gay man. Meanwhile, Cyrus was messing around with someone who looked like a gay version of John Stamos. Cold world.
4. Have you missed Sally Langston?
Another person I forgot was alive. Of course since leaving the White House she has gone on to essentially be Mike Huckabee on some cable news network. What I found particularly hilarious, though, is that she had the gall to try to expose Cyrus for faking a marriage to a hooker as if she didn’t murder her gay husband. And if memory serves, Cyrus helped her get out of that. Maybe Sally had to do it for sweeps, though.
5. Did Elizabeth North have to find ice for her jaw after her impromptu meeting with Mellie?
I suppose if Olivia Pope wasn’t going to feel her wrath, Mellie Mel had to let someone else on this show have it. When Mrs. Ellen from Ally McBeal tried to come for Mel, Mel hit her with the, “You are not me. You wish you were me. You cannot be me.” At that point, Mellie might as well have started singing lines from Beyoncé’s “Bow Down.”
6. How long before Red dumps Leo?
Either Abby learns to not have pillow talk with Leo or she dumps him altogether. Leo is who he is, which means you cannot be in bed and telling that man White House secrets knowing good and well he used to work for Satan’s favorite Christian, Sally. Live and learn to be quiet, Abby.
No pillow talk.
7. Did Fitz move you in that flashback scene?
It wouldn’t be Scandal if we didn’t get some scene with Liv and Fitz being mushy and annoying. Yeah, I wasn’t moved by that flashback of Fitz wanting to give Liv his grandmother’s ring just so he knows something he gave her is with her, blah-blah. Somewhere his grandma has got to be like, “Jesus. He gave his side piece my ring. You gotta let me get back in the ring.”
Fitz gave his grandmother’s ring to his sidepiece… I can’t.
8. Are you surprised that Sally didn’t want any parts of the deal Olivia came up with?
I’m not. As Sally explained to Olivia when it comes to the Secretary of State gig, why bother becoming Hillary Clinton when you’re making more money and yield more power with your base as Bill O’Reilly?
9. How much do Michael’s parents suck?
They sent their child to conversion camps and only showed up to a family dinner with he and his fake fiance because they were paid to. Michael is better than me; I would’ve smooth cursed my parents out for speaking to me that way.
10. What did you learn about Cyrus in his various flashbacks?
The lesson I got from looking at Cyrus’ marriages to his first wife and first husband was that no matter the gender, Cyrus ain’t worth a damn as a partner. And again, since we’re here, where is his baby?
11. Doesn’t Olivia look amazing in white?
Yes, the answer is yes. Shout out to that white coat. Also, shout out to Liv for being smart enough to check Michael’s list of clients — forcing Sally to shut her fake saved self up. Amen.
12. What was that speech Cyrus gave to Michael in the end?
Michael was sitting all pitiful on his wedding day, recounting how he always looked forever to that day only to have it feel spoiled by the reality that Cyrus can’t stand him. Then Cyrus says a bunch of stuff in response that to me, sounded like nothing more than the chorus of Jagged Edge’s “Let’s Get Married.” Like, I don’t love you, but you know, I’ll be nice to you or whatever and maybe it’ll work out.
[Photo Credit: ABC/Eric McCandless]