Published: Friday, February 11, 2011, 1:09 AM Updated: Friday, February 11, 2011, 1:30 AM
Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola and Ronnie Magro — “Jersey Shore”‘s answer to Sid and Nancy — are over. For the foreseeable future. The self-destructive, self-tanner-fueled relationship quickly unspooled amid upended mattresses (and girlfriends), flying blow-dryers, and a devastatingly choreographed dirty dance at Aztec.
Technically, they broke up (again) at the end of last week’s show, but their splits never seem to stick for long. This time, however, Ronnie stood his ground. But first he had a bone to pick with Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, whom he overheard comforting Sammi at the start of the episode.
Neither Ronnie nor Sammi appear to be able to take responsibility for their actions. When they’re not shifting blame onto one another, they’re pointing fingers at everyrone around them. We saw that clearly last season when Sammi lashed out at Jenni “JWoww” Farley and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi for detailing Ronnie’s misdeeds in that ill-conceived anonymous note. And we saw it tonight, when Ronnie overhears The Situation counseling Sammi to move on. Which is the same exact advice The Situation had given Ronnie. Which is what Ronnie and Sammi already decided to do the previous night. And on other occasions too numerous to count. The Situation also tries to excuse Ronnie’s Miami behavior by saying he was just sloppy drunk. But Ronnie’s hurting, so he begins to focus some of his apparently inexhaustible rage on The Situation.
Ronnie and Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio head out to the boardwalk, and they pass the bar where Sammi and Deena Cortese are having drinks. Sammi spots the boys (you can’t miss them, what with the camera crew, the gaggle of oglers, and the omnipresent bicycle cop/security guard), and thinks she sees a girl with Ronnie. Well, this is Sammi, so perhaps thinks is an overstatement. Oh, it is on like JWoww’s thong. “I’m going to go out there and find the hottest guy in this bar and get Ron back for talking to a girl.” Does she even listen to herself? Among the “hottest guys” is a shirtless man wearing a backpack, which appears to be the Guido equivalent of socks with sandals.
Back at the house, Ronnie is working himself into a lather over The Situation’s supposed betrayal. Pauly D is a little concerned because, after all, “Ronnie has kind of a temper.” Yes. And Pauly D’s hair is kind of stiff. Sammi comes home, and she wants to know why Ronnie’s in such a tizzy. Because The Situation is an instigator, he says. “You’re mad at him for your mistakes?” shoots back an uncharacteristically perceptive Sammi. Ronnie: “I’m mad at him because he instigated my mistakes.” Oh, that is just laughable. Did you see The Situation pouring shots down Ronnie’s throat and introducing him to the Saliva Twins?
Turns out what Ronnie is really mad about is that The Situation essentially confirmed what was in the note to Sammi when she asked him about it. (This season was in production while the Miami episodes were airing, which makes me wonder whether they’re allowed to watch, or whether they hear about what happened via their friends. Because if Ronnie had been carrying this knowledge around for months, why suddenly bust it out now? Oh, right, because Ronnie is an irrational lunatic.) When The Situation comes home, Ronnie wants to know why The Situation didn’t have his back in Miami. “You didn’t have the guy code.” Seriously? Going ballistic on The Situation for confirming — not leaking, mind you, merely confirming — Ronnie’s bad behavior? The Situation realizes this is an argument he can’t win and quickly apologizes, telling us in voiceover that he just wanted to shut Ronnie up. They hug it out.
Up in the bedroom, Sammi, yet again, wants to know how Ronnie could have treated her so badly in Miami. Here’s Ronnie’s rebuttal: “I have enough respect and love for you to admit what I did was wrong and shameful and disrespectful. You’re so dumb and hardheaded that you can’t even admit that what you did to me in Atlantic City was wrong, what you did to me in Jersey was wrong.” I just want to simplify Ronnie’s remark a bit: I respect you so much that I can admit I disrespected you so badly. You big dummy.” Well played, Ronnie.
What exactly did Sammi do in Atlantic City? Gave her number to some guy and ignored Ronnie’s phone calls. But she never made out with anyone! “You embarrassed me,” she tells him. “You don’t deserve somebody like me.” Ronnie doesn’t want to hear it, telling her, “It’s over.” Ronnie decides to go out with the guys. “What are you gonna do when a girl comes up to you,” Sammi asks. Apparently Sammi expects her ex-boyfriends to take vows of celibacy. She’s probably already ordered his Ed Hardy hairshirt.
As Vinny Guadagnino and Pauly D wait downstairs, the fight begins to escalate. From this point on in the recap, mentally insert an expletive every third word or so. Ronnie invites Sammi to vacate the premises. Sammi calls him a douchebag. Ronnie announces he’s going to be using the smush room tonight and calls Sammi a spoiled little bitch. “You’re nothing without Ronnie,” Ronnie says. Ronnie is talking about Ronnie in the third person. This is not a good sign. Ronnie starts taking Sammi’s stuff out of the closet and throwing it out the door to the deck. Sammi goes into air traffic controller mode, arms flying all over the place. The expletive-to-English ratio ratchets up a notch. The Situation tells Vinny and Pauly D that they all need to defuse the situation a little bit. (Defuse The Situation: That’s a euphemism if I ever heard one.)
When the guys get upstairs, Sammi is screaming, “I hate you more than I’ve hated anybody in my entire life!” and Ronnie is attempting to remove the Sammi’s bed with Sammi still on it. Take it, Vinny: “Sammi is like a spider monkey, climbing on the bed, not letting go with a pit bull grip.” The guys hustle Ronnie out of the room; he goes down the hall into the smush room and slams the door. “Get away from me,” Sammi screams, as she storms down the hallway toward Ronnie. “I want nothing to do with you ever,” she says, all evidence to the contrary. Vinny’s holding her back , but she still manages to kick the door open. Ronnie slams the door closed again. Sammi makes it into the room, Pauly D trying to hold her back, while Vinny is trying to restrain Ronnie, who starts kicking the smush room bed and threatening to partake in vigorous sexual relations with other women in said bed. Vinny pushes Ronnie through the door to the roof deck, the curtains flying off the rod, and tries to close the door behind him, but Ronnie and Sammi keep opening it to scream at one another. The girls take Sammi downstairs, while Ronnie, muttering to himself something about “you put your hands on me again” starts throwing her mattress onto the deck. Ronnie heads out for the night with the guys, calling Sammi a dirtbag and a slut.
Slut? Did someone say slut? That gives Snooki an idea! They’ll dress Sammi up, take her out to the club and have her flirt with all the guys in front of Ronnie. Which they do. Ronnie is practically pulsing with rage as he sees Sammi dirty dance in an extremely skimpy dress. Ronnie angry! “We broke up 45 minutes ago, and she actually had the balls to, like, get all done up and go to the bar and dance with another other guy.” Or, looking at it from a different angle, she had the balls to dance with another guy 45 minutes after Ronnie told her he planned to sex up a random a girl that very night.
Angry Ronnie go home. Ronnie throw Sammi things. Ronnie break Sammi glasses. Sammi come home. Sammi see glasses break. Sammi sad. “Everything is destroyed of mine,” she says. “Everything is broken and ruined.” I see what you’re doing, MTV! It’s, like, a metaphor for their relationship!
Sammi finds Ronnie on the deck. “All my stuff is ruined,” she says. “What makes that okay?” In the Ronnie Code of Conduct, criminal mischief is permissible if one’s girlfriend grinds her butt against the manhood of another. “I was crushed tonight,” he tells her. “I was destroyed.” At least when Ronnie simulated sex with another woman, Sammi wasn’t 25 feet away! “What I did in Miami, at least I had enough respect for you to do it when you’re not around.” A prince among men!
Ronnie then spends the night crying in the bathroom.
After all the sturm und drang, JWoww provides a little pick-me-up (literally, for the male portion of the viewing audience) by strolling out into the living room dressed in the finest slutty cowgirl costume a Toms River sex shop has to offer. The outfit features what appears to be bellbottom chaps attached to those teeny boy shorts with garters, and lace-up leather bra. “If Roger wasn’t there, I’d probably have sex with her,” Snooki says. Roger is a man of few words: “Awright, let’s go push.” They go upstairs to the smush room (Roger and JWoww, not Snooki and JWoww).
The next day, Sammi, unsurprisingly (since we’ve been seeing that shot of her getting into the taxi in every “Jersey Shore” promo), decides to go home to pull herself together. A few of her housemates half-heartedly try to talk her out of it. Ronnie brings her outside for one last blamefest for old times’ sake. When Sammi refuses Ronnie’s invitation to sit down, he asks, “What did I do?” Hmmm, short-term memory loss and difficulty seeing patterns. The kid ought to be examined by a neurologist. “I can’t do this anymore,” Sammi tells him. She starts sobbing and then goes back inside. Ronnie follows her in. “You want to go home, I’m going to let you go, as much as it kills me.” Somebody’s going to die if she stays, that’s for sure. Sayonara, Sammi. Maybe we’ll see you in Italy?
Ronnie: “I miss her and I love her and I definitely regret all the negative (bleep) I’ve ever done. Definitely more now than ever.” I’d say awwww, except Ronnie still scares the crap out of me.