The United States Men’s National Team is already a few weeks into their annual January Camp Cupcake and their first match of the year is rapidly approaching.  Saturday at the Home Depot Center, a young group of mostly MLS based Americans will have the chance to impress their coaches as they take on another young and experimental Chilean team.

Head coach Bob Bradley will be taking this opportunity to ease some players into the system for the first time while also getting a deeper look into the quality of the promising up-and-comers who have shown us glimpses in the past.

All throughout the internet, pundits and armchair managers alike are discussing who Bradley should field this weekend, but while understanding which players take the pitch is anybody’s guess, we happen to have a crystal ball and can see into the future.

We just gazed into it and will tell you what we saw for the United States this weekend.

The WSR Crystal Ball Doesn’t Lie.

While Bob will stick with the 4-4-2 on Saturday night, he is going to use this friendly as an opportunity to ditch the heavily criticized ‘empty bucket’ (two defensive mids) and experiment with a more creative diamond midfield.  This team is loaded with offensive minded players, but the main reason for the change, Bob says, is “to shut up all of those nerds on the internet.”

Our crystal ball also shows us what is being discussed in management meetings, and we’ll share with you his reasons for his selections.

Dominic Cervi, goal keeper: When Bob finds out that a player from the Boston Celtics is on his team, he immediately pencils in Cervi as the starter, hoping that he will sign Bob’s 2008 NBA Champions shirt that he got off of eBay from some villager in Africa.

Bob subs him out at half-time for Sean Johnson, hoping that Cervi can get Ray-Ray on the phone in the locker room.  Cervi was overrheard muttering, “sitting on the bench in Scotland is better than this,” as he left the locker room shaking his head.

Defenders

AJ DeLaGarza, left-back: While sitting in the expensive seats of the Home Depot Center for Galaxy games, AJDLG (as Bob likes to call him) impressed Bob with his ability to play both left-back and central defender; making him Bob’s favorite left-back not named “Bornstein.”

Wallace comes on for AJDLG in the second half just so Bob can fist-bump his ‘homie’ AJDLG as he walks off the pitch.

Omar Gonzalez, central defender: Gonzalez, at 6′5″, is the future of the position, and Bob made a mental note that he was one of few players who looked decent against Brazil last year.  While the player has a tremendous upside, Bob is aware that Gonzalez needs to remain focused for a full ninety minutes and limit the mental lapses by staying off of that “damn Facebook.”

Bob tries to sub him out for Ihemelu in the seventieth minute, but Gonzalez’s mind is elsewhere and doesn’t notice the fourth official’s board.  He finishes the game tweeting “ima tackle this fool right hurrrr.”

Tim Ream, central defender: Bob became fed up with all of the threads on internet message boards claiming that Ream is the American version of Rio Ferdinand, so in an attempt to prove them wrong, he starts the Red Bulls defender expecting him to look a bit out-classed at the international level.

Bob’s plan fails, however, as Ream plays the full ninety while looking both calm and organized. BigSoccer’s servers melt.

Marvell Wynne, right-back: Nobody is amazed by fast players more than Bob. He fields Findley just to sit back in awe of his slightly-above-average pace. When he watched tape on Wynne, the first words out of his mouth were “Pop some popcorn, mac, I can’t wait to see this kid tire himself out by running box to box.”

In one of his field-long sprints up the pitch, Wynne is unable to stop in time and runs straight into the locker room.  Bob is forced to replace him with Ryan Miller, who had been giving the gaffer the stink-eye all game long for flying him in from Sweden with no intent to play him.

Midfielder

Brek Shea, left-midfielder: Bob had been following the 2010 Generation Adidas team’s trip to Spain through the video diaries they posted on MLSsoccer.com last year and was amazed that Shea had somehow managed to sneak onto the team despite not being a member of the 2010 Generation Adidas class. He just had to have such a crafty player on his team.

When he meets Shea in person and realizes that the FC Dallas standout had not actually used a Big Bird costume to hide his true identity in Spain, he is even more impressed with Shea’s dedication to surgically alter his appearance in order to scare his opponents.

He plays until the sixty-fifth minute when Bob becomes frustrated that Shea doesn’t listen to his “fly over the defenders” command. Bob replaces him by pointing to a player he’s pretty sure he has never seen in his life, Eric Alexander.

Alejandro Bedoya, right-midfielder: Being USA manager definitely has its perks.  Spending so much time in the Los Angeles area has really broadened Bob’s musical horizons. Bob recently told the press that he just got back from a doing a full Lady Gaga tour, which he said he financed by “selling grilled cheese sandwiches in the parking lot while hoping for my ‘miracle.’”  Bob was clearly excited to have a player on his team who changed his first name to his favorite Lady Gaga song.

Bedoya finishes the game on the pitch, as Bob has so much fun yelling “push the ball wide, Ale-ale-jandro,” while Bedoya responded, “Don’t call my name, Roberto.”

Jeff Larentowicz, defensive-midfielder: With great cautiousness and reverence, Bob has always treated leprechauns with a combination of mystified respect and jealousy. Afraid of potentially being kidnapped and stuffed into one of Larentowicz tree-lairs if he doesn’t start, Bob preemptively diffuses this sticky situation and puts him on the team sheet.

Bob replaces the giant leprechaun with his lesser leprechaun servant, Dax McCarty in the seventy-second minute.

Mikkel Diskerud, attacking midfielder: In order to prevent him from “pulling a Giuseppe Rossi,” Bob hands over the keys to the entire team to Diskerud who promptly scratches “DJ Mix,” the name he demands Nike to put on his shirt, onto the team sheet.

Bob attempts to sub him out for Sam Cronin, but as the Earthquakes’ player begins warming up, Diskerud runs by the bench and threatens to play in Norway’s European Championship qualifying campaign. Bob apologizes for offending “your highness,” lets him finish the game and drive the team bus back to the hotel.

Strikers

Teal Bunbury, poach striker: When Bunbury hears about the lengths Bob goes to ensure the satisfaction of DJ Mix, the exciting Kansas City talent tries his luck. He threatens to “leave USA’s weak program for the global powerhouse and World Cup lock known as Canada,” if he doesn’t start. Bob doesn’t dare call his bluff.

In an awkward moment, Bob asks the striker if he can call him ‘Turquoise,” as he feels that “it looks like a Frenchman’s name… you know how that country produces such great goal-scorers.”  “Also, I always thought Teal was a feminine color,”  he added. Bunbury agrees and is now called Torquoise Hatem Bunbury.

Torquoise plays the whole game, scores a hat-trick, executes a back-flip, and receives a call from Fulham for a chance to sit on the bench to eventually be loaned out a few times.

Juan Agudelo, complete striker: Close friend Thierry Henry phones Bob before the game and tells him that he has a hot date with “that news broad who thinks I won the World Cup this past summer,” and asks him if he can babysit Agudelo for a couple of hours.  Bob is happy to oblige and when Agudelo asks if he can wear the #17 shirt again, Bob replies, “Yea sure, I wasn’t planning on using that number ever again anyways.”

When Agudelo asks what he should be doing out there, Bob suggests “do whatever your best buddy Thierry does.”  Agudelo is prompty ejected for handling the ball and then blasting it at the Chilean keeper after the whistle is blown.

The poor keeper is projected to return to the game in a few months after knee rehab.

The United States pull out an impressive 12-6 win in front of an all-US 28,000 person crowd. Happy with the job he’s done in 2011, Bob announces Jurgen Klinsmann as his assistant coach and then fires himself.

We just saved you a few hours of time in front of your computer this Saturday. Trust us, our crystal ball never gets it wrong.

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